Jones County man campaigns to outlaw salad bars

salad bar

Jones County native Jeffrey Tambor developed a love for vegetables while working at a restaurant.

“I worked as a busboy at a steakhouse on Saturday nights when I was a teenager,” Tambor told The Free Press. “They started me off folding napkins, carrying out the garbage and sweeping up. Eventually I worked my way up to the big time — food prep.”

Tambor would arrive at the restaurant around 4 p.m. and start his shift by cutting carrots, cucumbers and lettuce for the salad bar.

“At first I didn’t pay much attention to what I was doing,” Tambor said. “After cutting up all the stuff for the salad bar, if I still had 10 fingers at the end of the night then it was a good day.”

In time, though, Tambor says he started to notice the beauty of the vegetables he was slicing to pieces.

“Have you ever really looked at a sliced cucumber?” Tambor said with tears in his eyes. “They are an exquisite creation of nature, and I’m sad to say that during my tenure as a table maintenance specialist at the Amorous Cowboy Steakhouse I desecrated thousands of them.”

Tambor says his awakening happened after snacking on what he thought was a portobello mushroom.

“Another busboy at the restaurant named Trey walked into the kitchen and dumped a bag of mushrooms on the prep table while I was slicing tomatoes,” Tambor said. “I assumed they were for the salad bar, so I sliced them up and ate a few just to see what they tasted like.”

As it turns out, the mushrooms weren’t meant for the salad bar.

“I bought them from a guy in the parking lot of a Phish concert up at Hampton,” said Trey, currently still employed as a busboy at the Amorous Cowboy Steakhouse. “Jeffrey just didn’t get Phish and I was trying to help him.”

The night Tambor ate the mushrooms he says he could hear their screams in his sleep.

“I relived every slice of every vegetable in a vivid eight-hour nightmare that night,” Tambor said. “The carrots were definitely the toughest vegetables, just letting out a very manly ‘oww’ with every cut. Conversely, the cucumbers screamed like a tea kettle. The following morning I swore to never harm any plant ever again.”

Tambor, now 60, says he doesn’t regret eating only meat for the past 42 years.

“Becoming a carnivortarian was just the first step in my crusade to save the plants,” Tambor said. “I haven’t mowed my lawn in over 30 years, as I view lawn mowers as weapons of mass destruction. I write to my congressman every week requesting he draw up legislation to make salad bars illegal. And these squirrels living in trees and eating acorns are nothing more than terrorists. I buy cheeseburgers for the squirrels in my neighborhood just so they’ll leave those beautiful oaks alone.”

When asked why he favors plants over animals, Tambor became incensed.

“Have you ever met a cat?” Tambor said.

Tambor isn’t alone in his crusade. Dr. Christopher Grogan (, Emeritus Research Botanist of the University Herbarium at Rutgers University, says plants are totally cooler than animals.

“In the spring I’ll be hosting a series of conferences that will focus on setting free all potted plants,” Grogan said. “By the year 2525, we hope to have relocated all potted plants into several large areas covered in free-range hibiscus, anthuriums and geraniums. These ‘florests’, if you will, will create a safe haven for thousands of plants and stinky hippies who accidentally hear the band Phish while sober.”

“Grogan and I see eye to eye on almost everything except the band Phish,” Tambor said. “Their version of ‘Quadrophenia’ from the 1995 Halloween concert was, in my estimation, diggity dank.”

To purchase Jon Dawson’s books click on the BOOKS link at the top of this page.

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The Lovely Intangibles and The Dave Brubeck Quartet

the lovely

New album: Tomorrow Is Never
Artist: The Lovely Intangibles

Before hearing a note, the pedigree of The Lovely Intangibles should compel even the most jaded music snob to un-hunch their shoulders and take note.

With three members of The Lost Patrol (Stephen Massucci, Michael Williams and Tony Mann) and former Dotsun Moon vocalist Mary Ognibene forming the core unit, The Lovely Intangibles are in essence the auditory equivalent of a shuffled deck. Throw in a guest appearance by Renaissance bass legend Jon Camp and you’ve got an international incident on your hands.

These musicians are smart enough to play to their strengths on “Tomorrow Is Never”, yet this assemblage boasts it’s own identity. It would be silly to say fans of The Lost Patrol or Dotsun Moon wouldn’t want to inhale this album, but the resulting work has a unique sound that doesn’t merely mimic what it’s creators have done in the past.

Whether it’s the creeping menace of “It’s Just Like You” or the interstellar lushness of “Relapse”, The Lovely Intangibles construct perfect little ear movies. Massucci’s electric guitar work conjures images of ghosts partying in the dessert, while Ognibene’s voice is nuanced, powerful and inviting. At the base of it all, Williams’ acoustic guitar textures and Mann’s drumming form the perfect floating anchor.

At this point it’s too early to tell if The Lovely Intangibles is a momentary detour or a totally new mission for everyone involved. No matter what the future brings, this is an album that delivers from every angle. To sample the album, visit

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Classic album: At Carnegie Hall
Artist: Dave Brubeck Quartet

When “At Carnegie Hall” was recorded in 1963, the Dave Brubeck Quartet was at the height of its powers. Four years on from the pop success of the “Time Out” LP, one of the all-time great jazz groups decided to commit one of its legendary live shows to tape.

Some jazz purists idiotically denounced the DBQ as a pop act, but after listening to the Herculean group interplay on these live versions of “Blue Rondo a la Turk,” “It’s a Raggy Waltz” and “Eleven Four” renders any detractors mute. For goodness sakes, “Blue Rondo…” was so ahead of its time that Emerson, Lake and Palmer’s version recorded roughly a decade later is (except for the amplification) identical.

The group captured on “At Carnegie Hall” is the quintessential DBQ lineup: Dave Brubeck (piano), Paul Desmond (saxophone), Eugene Wright (bass) and Joe Morello (drums). There is no greater sound in jazz or any other type of music than the combination of Brubeck’s massive, melodic chord work meshed with the exotic, airy alto sax of Paul Desmond. Just listen to the accessible but mysterious melodic groove of “Take Five” to hear this band’s masterful blend of innovation and digestibility.

The Dave Brubeck Quartet served as a gateway drug into jazz for many avowed non-jazz fans. “At Carnegie Hall” isn’t just a bunch of musos trying to out-solo one another, but rather a band working with and off of one another. The innovations these four musicians made under the umbrella of jazz rank neck and neck with the stylistic innovations of John Coltrane, Miles Davis and Charlie Parker.

“At Carnegie Hall” may not turn you into a jazz fan, but it will turn you into a Dave Brubeck Quartet fan.

Ghost of former customer haunts North Carolina restaurant

Customers at Brook’s BBQ gather in hopes of seeing the ghost of a former customer

Every Wednesday and Saturday, the Brooks’ Place BBQ parking is packed with people with a penchant for wood-cooked swine.

“We cook only the porkiest pigs with wood that’s been marinated with our secret family barbecue sauce,” said owner/operator Albert Brooks. “Even the ashes taste good.”

A fixture in Greene County since 1978, Brooks’ Place has earned a reputation as one of the top barbecue restaurants in the United States. Hundreds of dignitaries, entertainers and professional athletes have dined on the wooden picnic tables in the Brook’s Place dining room over the years.

“Bill Clinton and George Bush Sr. came in here a few years ago,” said Brooks’ Place Table Maintenance Administrator Max Gail. “I wasn’t a fan of either of them politically, but they were decent tippers. Bush kept talking about the time his son tried to barbecue a pop tart; Clinton just kept asking all the waitresses if they were familiar with the erotic properties of coleslaw.”

Brooks says their famous customers are great for business, but the restaurant’s success comes down to the loyalty of their regular customers.

“We have the best customers in the world,” Brooks said. “Back in ‘82 when things got tight and we had to switch from pig to yak for a few months, our regulars kept us going. The steam of celebrities dried up during that time, but you couldn’t keep our regulars away.”

The most celebrated Brooks’ Place regular — Danny Arnold — passed away in 2013 at the age of 92.

“Danny would’ve eaten a hammer if you dipped it in Brooks’ barbecue sauce,” Gail said. “He ate breakfast and lunch here every day for nearly 30 years. After a while the barbecue got so good to him he started ordering it for breakfast. We tried to steer him into more traditional breakfast fare such as grits or brains and eggs, but he wanted ribs. Since he was such a good customer, Albert started setting a little bit of barbecue aside for him every Wednesday and Saturday. After a while we figured out how to stretch out through the week.”

When Danny Arnold passed away, Brooks’ Place served ribs for breakfast all week in his honor.

“It took a while to get used to not seeing Danny sitting at his favorite table, stirring his coffee with a rib,” Brooks said. “By the time we all got used to the idea of him not being here, strange things started happening.”

Brooks stressed that he’s never believed in the paranormal.

“I’ve never paid any attention to this talk of boogers, haints and woogie-boogies,” Brooks said. “But I’ve seen some stuff over the last few months that cannot be explained. I haven’t had a drink since I woke up on a tractor in the middle of Times Square in 1980, and I stopped freebasing peanut butter a year after that. What I saw was as real as the Donna Fargo tattoo on my mama’s shoulder.”

Brooks says on more than one occasion, what he describes as a “ghostly presence” has intervened while his famous sauce is being made.

“Last November I was alone in the kitchen mixing up the sauce, and just as I’m putting the lid on the pot, the white pepper slid across the table into my hand,” Brooks said. “I thought maybe the table was uneven so I put the pepper back, but then the lid flew off the pot and the pepper lifted off the table and started shaking over the sauce pot as if someone was trying to tell me it needed more pepper — which is something Danny said to me nearly every day for 30 years.”

According to Gail, this type of activity is now a weekly occurrence.

“If somebody comes in and doesn’t take their hat off to eat there’s a good chance they’ll leave with the imprint of a napkin holder on their fard,” Gail said. “Danny couldn’t stand it when somebody kept their hat on to eat. I truly believe he’s poppin’ people in the gourd from beyond the grave.”

Although the ghostly activities were initially met with trepidation and ruined work pants, Brooks says his staff and customers have grown to enjoy their periodic visits from Danny Arnold’s ghost.

“It’s good to know Danny’s spirit is still here,” said longtime Brooks’ Place waitress Lois Mulholland. “Maybe some time up there with the big guy will make him a better tipper.”

Jon Dawson’s books are available via the BOOKS link at the top of this page. Contact Jon at

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Patrick Holmes of Lenoir County Public Schools talks budgets, superintendents and early college


In a new 13-minute interview, Lenoir County Public Schools public information director Patrick Holmes sheds light on the state budget crisis, iPads in the schools and the Lenoir County Early College program.

Holmes also talks about outgoing LCPS superintendent Dr. Steve Mazingo and incoming interim superintendent Brent Williams.

CLICK HERE to listen to the interview.

CLICK HERE for a recent interview with Kinston Mayor BJ Murphy.

We’d like to introduce new sponsor Blizzard’s Building Supply of Kinston. Located at 405 Walston Avenue in Kinston, Blizzard’s is a family owned business that has been going strong since it’s establishment in 1959. Personal service, quality products and competitive prices have helped Blizzard’s become a local institution. Whether your project is large or small, give Blizzard’s a call at (252) 523-5181.

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Sharks found at water park


The recent rash of shark attacks along the North Carolina coast was at first believed to be a natural phenomenon.

“Some people thinks it’s down to water temperature or the over-harvesting of fish along the coast,” said Topher Grace of the NC Wildlife Commission. “My personal belief was that the salty residue from fast food packaging that ends up in our waterways had lured the sharks further inward. I mean, would you rather eat raw fish or a Big Mac?”

While the shark attacks have been a detriment to coastal commerce, water park memberships in NC have risen 300 percent over the last two months.

“We’ve had to hire extra lifeguards to keep up with all of our new members” said Kurtwood Smith of Point Place Water Park. “We haven’t had time to train them properly, so until they’re up to speed we’re having to keep water levels at a maximum of three-feet. It makes diving a challenge but safety is our main concern.”

water park jones county
Sharks were discovered at Point Place Water Park in North Carolina. No charges have been filed.

One of the new members of the Point Place Water Park is retired investigator Laura Prepon.

“I’d planned to take my granddaughter to the beach but the shark attacks scared me off,” Prepon said. “Nothing seemed out of the ordinary at first. We enjoyed our time at the Point Place Water Park but being a former cop I started to notice a disturbing pattern.”

Prepon said every Tuesday around noon an aggressively intoxicated woman would walk into the park office and leave five minutes later with a plastic Walmart bag stuffed with cash.

“It seemed odd that a person who could barely walk would be given a large sum of cash in a plastic bag,” Prepon said. “The woman seemed nice enough but on her way to her car I heard her belched every bit of Pink Floyd’s ‘Comfortably Numb’ – including the guitar solo.”

The following Tuesday Prepon decided to follow the drunken psychedelic belcher.

“I followed her all the way to Emerald Isle,” Prepon said. “She parked at the Rogue Inlet Pier and pulled a large cooler on wheels from the back of her truck. Within a few minutes she made her way to the end of the pier. She propped up a fishing pole to blend in with the other fishermen, but when she thought no one was looking reached into her large cooler and tossed three sharks into the ocean.”

Prepon discovered the mystery shark lady was Paulette Burroughs, 39, of La Grange. A former concierge for the Kinston Free Press and seven-time girlfriend of Rick James, Burroughs currently holds the record for misdemeanors in North Carolina.

“Extortion, pyromania, cattle mutilation – this Burroughs character has done it all,” Prepon said. “This woman once shoplifted a waiter.”

Paulette Burroughs of La Grange is suspected of transplanting sharks on the coast of North Carolina in a effort to boost water park memberships.

Surveillance photos Prepon took of the alleged shark dump were too fuzzy to be submitted as evidence, but late last week Burroughs incriminated herself in front of several witnesses. The following text was taken from a police report:

“The suspect (Burroughs) was observed acting in an erratic manor due to ingesting what toxicology reports indicate was a mixture of Budweiser and lighter fluid. Based on our investigation, Burroughs mistook the Point Place Water Park for Emerald Isle and dumped three sharks into the kiddie pool. The sharks were not aggressive due to Burroughs decision to share her drink with them.”

Witnesses reported children initially believing the docile sharks to be flotation devices left behind by the previous day’s patrons.

“My son ran up to me and said the shark float smelled like her daddy,” said Debra Jo Rupp of Kinston. “I walked over to take a look and realized it was a real shark. I was frightened for a second but then realized the shark was Otis-on-a-Saturday-night-in-Mayberry drunk. Somebody should really get that thing to a meeting.”

As of this writing the case is still under investigation.

Jon Dawson’s books available via the BOOKS link at the top of this page. Contact Jon at

We’d like to introduce new sponsor Blizzard’s Building Supply of Kinston. Located at 405 Walston Avenue in Kinston, Blizzard’s is a family owned business that has been going strong since it’s establishment in 1959. Personal service, quality products and competitive prices have helped Blizzard’s become a local institution. Whether your project is large or small, give Blizzard’s a call at (252) 523-5181.

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Album reviews: Kilbey/Kennedy and Dereck Higgins

kilbey kennedy
Album: Inside We Are The Same
Artist: Steve Kilbey & Martin Kennedy

Inside We Are The Same is the fourth collaboration from the duo of Steve Kilbey (The Church) and Martin Kennedy (All India Radio). From the outside this may look like a side project, but in reality this music rivals that of the participant’s day jobs.

Each of the previous releases in the Kilbey/Kennedy cannon have been stellar collections of dreamy, neo-psychedelic songs that would appeal to fans of The Church and All India Radio (and anyone with good taste). While another album in this vein would have been welcomed with open ears, Inside We Are The Same shows Kennedy exploring new musical avenues while Kilbey pushes his voice to a register that fans of The Church and his solo work may not be familiar with.

“Amenia” begins with a keyboard/guitar swell that sounds like Richard Wright sitting in with Radiohead. Just when it seems the song is headed for Pink Floydville, an angular guitar riff sparks the song into an accelerated affair. Kilbey sounds as if he’s reporting from the outer edge of a hurricane, relaying information in a slightly excited state.

Kilbey Kennedy on Amazon

The lusher side of German legends Cluster and Harmonia rear their head on “This Is The Universe”, a song that sounds as big as it’s subject matter. Kennedy’s genius as an arranger comes through as the seemingly sparse tune comes off as nearly symphonic in it’s effect. Kilbey’s lyric for the song finds him at his lysergic best, and even the dolts who only know him for “Under The Milky Way” will be sucked in.

As “Once” oozes like ether out of the last grooves of the vinyl, one has to wonder what Kibley and Kilbey eat for breakfast. If Inside We Are The Same weren’t enough, Kilbey just participated in the creation of possibly the greatest album The Church has ever recorded and Kennedy with All India Radio releases essential instrumental albums as if it were a bodily function. Whether it’s Vegimite or just plain old inspiration, here’s hoping they keep the brilliant albums coming.


Album: Myths…Realities
Artist: Dereck Higgins

Dereck Higgins latest album Myths…Realities is a collection of previously unreleased material recorded between 1985 up through 2004. Committed to tape primarily via a 4-track cassette recorder, what looks like a hodgepodge on paper is in fact a cohesive borderline masterpiece.

Via his popular YouTube channel (search for “Dereckvon”), Higgins has been one of the greatest proponents of instrumental music of the last decade. Although Higgins’ discography touches on everything from punk and ambient to rock and jazz, Myths…Realities is a collection of exquisitely composed and performed music that is best described as cinematic.

Primarily known for his bass work, the diamond of this album is Higgins’ sublime guitar work. There are no orgies of shred to be found – which is a blessing. The choice of effects, the eerie beauty of the chord progressions and fluidity of the playing are reminiscent of the classic Echoes album by A.R. and Machines.

Playing all of the instruments, Higgins creates a hypnotic space groove on “Dickson Drive” that is fleshed out with sublime guitar tones that Steve Hackett would be envious of. “Happy Today” is an uplifting yet still edgy extension of krautrock that fans of Michael Rother should embrace.

Music lovers on the hunt for something new seem to need comparisons to get an idea of what an artist has to offer, but Myths…Realities is a truly original work. Higgins proudly wears his influences on his sleeve, but there is more than enough of his own DNA in the mix to create something new. This is a fascinating, emotive work that can only help grow the already sizable cult following Dereck Higgins has amassed.

Myths…Realities was issued on limited edition vinyl and word has it that most of those copies are gone. For the curious, visit to sample the album.

During his six years at the Kinston Free Press, Jon Dawson won 11 North Carolina Press Association Awards for his music criticism and humor columns. If you’d like to submit and album for review, email


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